An Ode to My Satchel

 

Just kidding. Now to business.

 

There comes a time in every student's life when they have to put down their old, worn elementary school backpacks and head out into the wild world to hunt down a new bag. Possibly they grow tired of flowered prints and half-broken zipper tabs. Maybe the straps are frayed or entirely missing, devoured by a pet or rogue locker years ago. Me, I was perfectly happy with my old bag, but my new workload was dissatisfied with its capacity. (Ah, middle school.) A school bag is, of course, a crucial staple of your academic ensemble. How do you find a new one?

My old bag featured an awesome backpacking moose. Epic graphics like this are hard to find (this one was from L.L. Bean), and I didn't actually get to pick the bag because it was a present for my very, very first birthday. That's right, everybody, I got my backpack of ten years when I could literally fit inside it! But by the time I graduated fifth grade it was a) falling apart and b) had a backpacking moose on it, which was for some reason was uncool in middle school. And so I wanted a new bag. I made do with an intermediate backpack of some sort for sixth grade, but by seventh grade it was clear that that setup was not sustainable, by which I mean a backpack with nothing but a giant compartment in the middle is a recipe for a stinking black hole of junk. Actually, that's inaccurate. A backpack that is nothing but a giant fabric holding tank is destined to become your locker in miniature, which if you're me means it turns into a stinking black hole of junk.

So I maintain the standard that messenger bags are always cool. This is perfectly fine except for one disclaimer: sore shoulders are not cool. If you're willing to suffer for fashion, which I totally was at the time of buying my bag, then go for it.

My epic satchel fulfills all the parameters of a useful, long-lasting school bag. It has been slammed into lockers, kicked around under filthy bus seats, crammed until the seams stretch, and washed (both by the machine and by just being left out in the rain to fend for itself for a few hours). It is admittedly hard to test this in a store setting, but anything waterproof is usually a good idea. Think bullet-proof, shark-proof, bear-proof, you-proof.

We have already established that a good, simple messenger bag is always in style. But if you are craftily inclined, make sure that it is also able to withstand your creativity. Mine has been stabbed with pins, sewn, unsewn, ironed, de-stained, and generally artistically destroyed. But it refuses to accept destruction! Just like any good bag!

And finally we return to the original reason why I had to ditch the backpacking moose. Make sure your bag is not only barely able to contain your classwork, but very capably handle your classwork, reading book, junk stash of things to take nowhere, and generally the 150% of everything. There's never enough room. Just make sure you're not setting yourself up for a years-long space race. This ain't the sixties.

So there you are! Tough, creative, and size. I couldn't fashion them into a clever catchphrase (TCS, SCT, CTS?) so if you're going bag shopping, you might have to write them down. But I hope it helps!

One final note: monogramming. Consider carefully before monogramming, even if it's free. Remember that if you do your last name, it will be unwillingly handed-me-down to a lucky sibling, if you do your first name, you will inevitably feel like a third-grader at some point, and if you have a weird name like Mayim (MY-um) you will be called May-eeeeeem by random strangers for the rest of your life. Nice try, strangers.

Anyway, if you want to monogram, be creative, but careful. Think long-term. If you take my advice, your bag's immortal.

16 Ways to Escape Your House Remodeling Project

With apologies to my parents, I present the ultimate list for escapists, procrastinators, and just plain slackers everywhere who are trapped in the throes of household remodeling.

16 Ways to Escape Your House Remodeling Project

1. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a YouTube break. You deserve it. Just keep an eye on those minutes. I personally recommend BuzzFeed. You can typically watch at least three BuzzFeed videos before people start to think you've drowned in there.

2. Pretend to be useful by going to the library and checking out a book (example: How to Clean Years of Unspeakable Nastiness From Your Toilet and Sink Pipes). It's got to be better than the real job. Plus, if you're lucky, someone will put you in charge of the project and you can boss other people around on how to do it.

3. Contract an illness. Seriously. 

4. Become really, really good at one job that doesn't stink. That way, you will become the house authority on said job, and that is all you will have to do for the rest of the time.

5. Make dinner. Hey, somebody's got to do it, and everyone else is too busy. Bonus points if you need to go to the store for ingredients.

6. Hide something vital to the process, such as the scissors or packing tape. Then, join enthusiastically in the family's manhunt for it while leading them wildly off track. You could either hide it somewhere completely unrealistic (like the very top of the tree in your front yard), or somewhere feasible (inside one of your dad's old running shoes) to deflect suspicion. It was just misplaced, right?

7. Promote yourself to Worker Inspection. Parade around the house with a clip board and checklist, and fire one of your brothers or sisters from the family every so often to remind everyone that you are, in fact, in charge.

8. Send your parents on vacation. Somewhere nice, like Canada. We recommend a padded hotel room, since they will do nothing but worry about you and the house the whole time they're gone. Or...

9. Send yourself on vacation. Let them work if they like it so much! And if they won't let you send yourself on vacation, then...

10. Break something only your parents are capable of fixing. Hopefully, by this point, they're getting fed up enough to send you to your grandparents or something before they actually explode.

11. Just run away. Run. Hide. It's not subtle, but it's effective.

12. Run away, and hide in your shed. Snicker quietly as the policemen bring home reports of your whereabouts. Just make sure your family isn't one of those efficient families who actually uses the shed.

13. Hire an oracle to warn your family relentlessly that the project is doomed, as evidenced by the stars. Better yet, just dress up as an oracle yourself and save on oracle-hiring costs. Just make sure they don't recognize you.

14. Learn to play the bagpipes! Your practices will soon be kicked to the garage, because before you learn to play the bagpipes you learn to play something called the chanter, which is the only instrument we have concocted yet that is more awesomely obnoxious than the bagpipes.

15. Take summer gym. Take summer math. Take summer synchronized swimming, take summer anything to get out of the house.

16. Start a blog, and then insist that you must post something, because your readers (all two or three of them) are counting on you.

I appreciate it, guys.

Poster Bingo for the First Day of School

Ah, the first day of school. It's a fresh new start. Your new locker is not covered with that strange green fuzz that your old one was afflicted with. Your teachers have no way of knowing what they're in for. The whole place smells like bleach, pencil shavings, and paranoia.
But what are you going to do once you escape that first class, take a good look around, and realize to your dismay that this year is going to be just like last year? How many days do you have left? The walls, which are still that weird beige color, start to close in around you.
And that's when you remember! I have given you something awesome to fill the time with! Good thing you checked out this blog, because now you have POSTER BINGO! Specifically designed for middle and high schools! You're welcome!

As you can see, you no longer have to suffer through the school hallways with nothing to do besides be lost and wonder if your six-hour first day of school hair project has rolled over and died yet. I strongly suggest printing off several sheets for yourself, your siblings, your friends, or if you don't have any friends, random strangers! Then you can make friends, as you stealthily stick Poster Bingo down the back of their shirt and run away!

Good luck to everybody in the coming year! And if you forget to get your act together and try this on the first day, don't worry! It works all year, I just wanted to post it in time for the first day:) GO [INSERT YOUR MASCOT HERE]!