How To ACTUALLY Cope With Sadness

Today, I shall tackle the topic of sadness, in honor of the continuing reality that we are, in fact, back in school. HAHA! JUST KIDDING! (Not really.)

I am not a huge endorser of the self-help industry, based on the belief that if you can help yourself, you shouldn't need an industry to aid you in doing it. Thus, I deem this method of sadness-coping the ACTUALLY SELF-HELPING method. Or you could all spread it around as the Mayim Stith method. Hint, hint.

Without further ado, here are some ways to actually make yourself better when you're behind on everything, low on sleep, or just feeling down.

Make other people unhappy. Don't make other people feel bad for you, specifically, just drag with you a general feeling of despair wherever go you. Debt. War. The fact that Walt Disney would flip over in his grave if he could see what goes on Disney Channel today. Let it spread.

Chocolate. Of any kind. In large doses.

Hang out with other unhappy people and share your displeasure.

If you're a runner, run. Apparently it helps. For the rest of us, take your chocolate-of-any-kind-in-large-doses down to your favorite misery couch and watch movies. Watch either those stupid happy-people movies to convince yourself that they're all delusional, or watch Les Miserables. It always helps.

Become that one person who steals all the M&Ms from the trail mix. Steal all the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms. Steal all the good things to fuel your sadness. In the immortal words of my little brother, "Don't steal all of one kind from the nut mix. And if you do, make sure it's not the almonds because those are all mine."

Lefse. For all your problems in this life, lefse.

FOR EXTRA POINTS! Chocolate lefse. Nutella is the nature's gift to sad people, as well as everybody else.

Cry, just not about the thing you're sad about. Cry about something else. Cry about Les Mis. They all die! And it's so beautiful!

Before all else fails, sleep. It all gets better when you sleep.
Happy sadness.

Some Useful Things to Do on Your Sick Days (Without Leaving the Couch)

I hate to be the one to break bad news, but someone should. After this Labor Day closes, we're all officially stuck in the school year. Despite random Professional Development and Snow Days, the weeks are going to be long. As you start getting assigned homework that isn't forcing your parents to sign the syllabus, the evenings are packed, the days are dreary, and it starts to get colder for the sole purpose of packing your locker full of coats. You will slog through this mindless grind, hopefully with a few redeeming classes (all electives, of course) to make the days kind of worthwhile. Still, don't lose hope! Before too awfully long, an wandering virus will take pity on you and grant you one of those miracles above all other miracles- a Sick Day.

What are the best parts of the Sick Day? Well, for one thing, you never have any makeup homework to spoil your time. After all, you didn't arrange to contract the contagion... right? Anyway, you're off the hook. It's a real, actual, satisfactual off day. And did we mention that it's an off day exclusively for you? Your friends and family are still in the grind, and you get to kick back and relax with the TV all to yourself.

Of course, I would never dare to suggest that you should leave your Sofa of Glory for any reason. I am a firm advocate of things like remote control and dining on that family-sized bag of Doritos for breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, dinner, and supper. And so, for your next Sick Day, I have compiled a list of life-advancing but nonetheless couch-based activities. Here it is.

Become a nerd about something. What's on Netflix? We have Amazon Instant and the first three seasons of Star Trek are #FREE.

Ladies: Learn to play Minecraft. You will never be left without conversation topics on a date again.

Guys: Watch a few Disney princess movies of the highly antiquated, beautifully misogynistic variety. Now you too will never be left without conversation topics on a date again. Another way to go is Tangled (warning: you may cry).

Instead of lurking the Facebooks, become a meme expert. Become one of those lovely sarcastic people who care more about which meme base you use than who gets elected for president next term. After all, humanity is doomed.

Discover your inner Bobby Flay with the aid of the Internet and microwaveable desserts. This one does actually involve a little bit of moving, so to avoid that you could just dream up your own celebrity chef name and drool mournfully over pictures of other people's chef-ery.

Write inspirational quotes and post them on Instagram. Oh, wait. That's not useful.

Make memes instead. Much better!

Go through your entire music device and delete the stuff you don't listen to anymore.

Instead of cyber-stalking someone who's interested in you, research something that you're interested in extensively.

Or you could just stalk the hottie. Hey, it's your day.

Text bomb fill-in-the-blank enemy who always keeps their phone on in class.

After some careful planning during your friends' lunch break, send them a group text. Make sure everyone's ringtone is an epic fart.
P.S. Seriously, I've tried this one and it's amazing.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, watch the junk that is on Food Network during the day. Never. I have never once seen Restaurant Impossible on before six.

Remember your recorder from fourth grade? See how much you can re-teach yourself before you get frustrated and hurl the thing at the wall. Who plays recorder, anyway.

If you can't pick a movie to watch, just browse trailers and become a well-informed movie trailer connoisseur. TRAILER FREAKS UNITE!

Procrastinate. It's a life skill.

And finally, if all else fails, sit on your couch and think up useful things to do as the day slowly and gloriously drips by without accomplishing a darn thing. Here's to days off.