True-ish Stories of North Dakota Weather

It is so cold here.

It is so cold here that even my Husky mutt does not want to go outside.

It is so cold here that the movie Frozen is starting to really tick me off.

It is so cold that I am currently huddled inside three layers of pajamas, between the micro-fleece sheets of my loft bed, surrounded by three or four additional blankets and I'm still shivering.

Humans... do not... belong here.

Anyway, the only perk I can spin out of the awful blizzardy weather we've been having is that people from out of state will pretty much believe whatever you tell them about the famous climate. Here are a few sort of probable stories to pull out, hopefully somewhere warm and sunny.

You lost your garage once and had to wait for the snow to melt to find it again.

Your tongue is fake, and the original is still stuck to a pole on your elementary school playground, where you were dared to lick the pole, and then the supervisors left your tongue there to scare off other kids, because everyone has done that at least once.

You lost your cell phone in a snow bank and thought it was gone for good until early that June, when it was found in the grass of your front yard.

If there are little kids around, tell them that you live in an igloo in the winter, and in the summer, you follow the buffalo.

Better yet, in the winter, the whole community has a giant prolonged sleepover in an Iroquois-style longhouse, and the different neighborhoods take turns cooking every night. Because you know, if it was going to happen, it would happen in Fargo.

There's a weather phenomenon called a "snow demon" where a cloud of shrieking wind drives razor-sharp chunks of ice into whatever gets in its way.

Another true story: You used to wake up with frost on your pillows because you slept too close to the wall and your breath crystallized. Did this happen to anybody else? It used to happen to me all the time.

If you inhale snow, you may contract snow fever, which is a sort of weird fungal disease where snow starts to grow in the bottom of your lungs and works its way up until you're coughing flurries. (Note: This is a good one to tell when the audience is actually there in North Dakota visiting you, because you get to watch them squirm when you tell them the symptoms are prolonged shivering, numb feet, and a red red nose.)

The North Dakotan "rivers" you see on maps are a myth, because they actually only exist in the spring when all the snow melts.

That is also the time when school is held on massive community houseboats.

In fact, everyone's house floats, so that the flood does no damage, and then when the water finally goes down everyone lands in a different place to keep things interesting.

And then it starts to snow.

Again.

The Best Hide and Seek Tactics

The other day I had some friends over to the house, and because none of us had the brain stamina to learn a new card game and we were too hyped to watch a movie and nobody had anything exciting to talk about we fell back to hide and seek. My mom thought this was hilarious, which I think is ridiculous, because hide and seek is basically the greatest game ever. You can play it over and over and it gets harder every time. You can play it with mostly all ages. I even learned that if the kids you babysit get bored with the name "Hide and Seek" you can glitz it by adding a wand and some sound effects and calling it "Zombie Bonkers."

No, seriously, we played for three hours.

Anyway, once you graduate Zombie Bonkers and end up playing hide and seek with the big leagues, possibly at my house, here's a handy playbook with some techniques.

For the Slenderman in all of us: find a dark room with a perch, like a bathroom counter or on top of a box in a dark closet, perch, and then make the most off-putting face/pose you know. You may be found quickly, but you have the satisfaction of taking a few years off the seeker's lifespan when they turn on the lights.

For the person who breathes really loudly no matter how hard they try: Hide in the same room as another person, AS CLOSE TO THEM AS POSSIBLE, so that they are given away by your amplified exhalations instead of you. They will then turn on you and give you away, but hey, at least you weren't found first.

For the compact one: find a place like a cabinet or dog kennel where a person shouldn't reasonably be able to fit, and then work your scary contortion magic. All the other players are secretly jealous of you.

For the tall one: find somewhere where you can stand behind a big piece of furniture in the corner, and then lean a piece of art or a backpack or something against whatever's left of you.

For the person who isn't really interested in the game anymore: wander aimlessly around the house with a laundry basket on your head.

For the one who doesn't mind being gross: a giant pile of laundry, and don't move.

For the one who is totally out of time to hide places: find a small object, preferably a pineapple, and then hide behind it, making it as convincing as possible by saying "Pineapple. Pineapple. Pineapple." (Bonus points if it isn't a pineapple.)

For the one who can turn into a statue: messy beds are your best friends. Find one, rearrange the mess to cover you up, and then own it, Michelangelo.

For the ninja: follow the seeker around the house. Literally. Right behind them. At all times.

For the bird: on top of something.

For the seeker: Be cool and leave Pineapple and Laundry Basket alone.

For the person who always hides somewhere someone else is hiding: Hide somewhere in the kitchen. There are never any good hiding spots in the kitchen.

For the annoying literalist: outside, or in the garage, because nobody TECHNICALLY SAID those spaces were off limits. All the other players are secretly hoping that some piece of nature bites you as you win time after time.

Happy hiding (and seekers, you're welcome)!