The Best Hide and Seek Tactics

The other day I had some friends over to the house, and because none of us had the brain stamina to learn a new card game and we were too hyped to watch a movie and nobody had anything exciting to talk about we fell back to hide and seek. My mom thought this was hilarious, which I think is ridiculous, because hide and seek is basically the greatest game ever. You can play it over and over and it gets harder every time. You can play it with mostly all ages. I even learned that if the kids you babysit get bored with the name "Hide and Seek" you can glitz it by adding a wand and some sound effects and calling it "Zombie Bonkers."

No, seriously, we played for three hours.

Anyway, once you graduate Zombie Bonkers and end up playing hide and seek with the big leagues, possibly at my house, here's a handy playbook with some techniques.

For the Slenderman in all of us: find a dark room with a perch, like a bathroom counter or on top of a box in a dark closet, perch, and then make the most off-putting face/pose you know. You may be found quickly, but you have the satisfaction of taking a few years off the seeker's lifespan when they turn on the lights.

For the person who breathes really loudly no matter how hard they try: Hide in the same room as another person, AS CLOSE TO THEM AS POSSIBLE, so that they are given away by your amplified exhalations instead of you. They will then turn on you and give you away, but hey, at least you weren't found first.

For the compact one: find a place like a cabinet or dog kennel where a person shouldn't reasonably be able to fit, and then work your scary contortion magic. All the other players are secretly jealous of you.

For the tall one: find somewhere where you can stand behind a big piece of furniture in the corner, and then lean a piece of art or a backpack or something against whatever's left of you.

For the person who isn't really interested in the game anymore: wander aimlessly around the house with a laundry basket on your head.

For the one who doesn't mind being gross: a giant pile of laundry, and don't move.

For the one who is totally out of time to hide places: find a small object, preferably a pineapple, and then hide behind it, making it as convincing as possible by saying "Pineapple. Pineapple. Pineapple." (Bonus points if it isn't a pineapple.)

For the one who can turn into a statue: messy beds are your best friends. Find one, rearrange the mess to cover you up, and then own it, Michelangelo.

For the ninja: follow the seeker around the house. Literally. Right behind them. At all times.

For the bird: on top of something.

For the seeker: Be cool and leave Pineapple and Laundry Basket alone.

For the person who always hides somewhere someone else is hiding: Hide somewhere in the kitchen. There are never any good hiding spots in the kitchen.

For the annoying literalist: outside, or in the garage, because nobody TECHNICALLY SAID those spaces were off limits. All the other players are secretly hoping that some piece of nature bites you as you win time after time.

Happy hiding (and seekers, you're welcome)!